Dear Sirs of Humoradio <that's the old name of the magazine HUMO>!

I am directing this letter to your periodically appearing magazine because of the disappearance of my daughter Spruyt Mieke (16), living at Kerkstraat 4, Bachte-Maria-Leerne. I, the father, Spruyt Jozef (54 and in perfect health) has last seen her near the chips shop "'t Heet Sateeke", where she refused to enter the car that was supposed to drive her back home, when it was already TWENTY PAST ONE and I definitely had said ONE O' CLOCK and not a second later, which is very reasonable of me but I'm digressing.

We were unaware that the aforementioned Mieke was straying off the righteous path, but the slacking attitude of her mother Spruyt Rita (49 but sadly looks a bit older) is a certainty but that's completely at the side. We were never suspicious when in the last couple of months during weekends (also on Sunday) Mieke came home at night, all sweaty and wearing cycling pants with matching shoes. Not a real sport for a girl, a dad would think, but anyway : better that cycling-thing than something worse, and I could tell you stories about the youngest one from Schellevleugels, living at number 9, because... but I'm digressing. We noticed something was wrong though, because you know, Spruyt Jozef wasn't born yesterday, when in our street again and again the VW-signs were disappearing from cars all over and that trail, Sirs of Humoradio, lead to the real "sport" our Mieke was exercising. "NEW BEAT" is the name of the culprit (It's English for new beet, hit thump). What it is ? It's that typical music, gentlemen, much like the one you serve on your demonic pilgrimages in Torhout and Werchter <the two cities where the Belgian rock-festival TW were held> - once peaceful villages, now turned into open air clubs from hell - and I know, because my brother in law Byttebier Albert (51 but looks a lot older than me) lives back there and can clean up the mess your readers left there during the entire year, the poor soul, although he did go and look for it himself and he doesn't deserve much better, especially after the latest family gathering where he disgracefully..., but I'm digressing. Anyway, according to Albert the same thing is happening now as it did ten years ago with Punk, but differently. It's no longer spitting long distances and the likes (thank God our youngest one was too young for it, back then), but a "Belgian Wave", says Albert, and he should know because he's an authority : he used to be in the same classroom as Will Ferdy <Flemish succesful singer from the early years of pop>!! According to Albert this New Beat covers multiple areas. "What's in a name?", he says. In England the following crazes are doing their rounds : yobrock, soft as hell rap, full metal racket, hi-energy, K-jazz, couch music, latin hip-hop, neo geo and acid house. An Englishman told him last year that the record "Chasin' A Dream" by Tashan "became the torch song by which B-Boys stole enough VW-logo's to fill a carpark the size of Manhattan". That's what our Mieke was doing here : she sold those VW-signs, to put on the clothes of her acquaintances, because I don't wish to call that kind of people "friends", gentlemen : our Mieke has been mislead, there's no doubt about it. According to Albert (he always knows best, something everybody in the Byttebier family has) also the "Balearic Beat" from Ibiza was a big influence, together with the "rare grooves" from New York. Overthere "world beat" is spreading, much like "Techno Dance" is doing in Detroit. A certain Jellybean has been doing "it" for years. (I've seen a photo from mister Jellybean : a real hippie, gentlemen! A hippie that was using it, if you know what I mean, you could tell by his eyes)! But according to my son Spruyt Jacob (19 but still a baby, his "friends" all call him "Jakke". Isn't that sad ?) New Beat is something national. "We were first", he says proudfully. Something to be really proud about, indeed, not !

Jacob says New Beat was born in Antwerp. Typical! Antwerp : the Sodom & Gomorra of the North, where also that ridiculous craze for Millet-clothing originated! If that's true it surprises me that Jambers Paul (41 but also still a baby) from Panorama <a Belgian TV news-magazine> hasn't done a "report" on it. Because isn't a craze only a reality if Jambers Paul devotes a turd to it ? Anyway : New Beat continued to grow in the clubs and on regional radio-stations (another one of those plagues!), where DJ's were making "novelties" from existing records. At the same time also the trickery with rhythm boxes, samplers and sequencers started to grow (sadly), as done by the likes of Front 242 and The Neon Judgement. And after that the "real" New Beat records emerged, fitted with very heavy bass-lines (sleeping neighbours? nightly racket ? never heard of it, Sir!), monotonic rhythms and as lyrics some yells and slogans (which have or haven't been sampled - better said "stolen").

Yours truly has listened to these records, gentlemen, something I should have left to someone else! But as a parent one shouldn't neglect a single thing, and Albert was telling about these strange secret messages (like Paul McCartney being dead and Prince, who speaks backwards on the album "Purple Rain" ), so who knows I might find a clue as to where our Mieke is located. New Beat : "What's in a name ?" In this case : warmed up food, gentlemen! This New Beat sounds like electronic disco without a melody and it just goes on and on until a person goes totally mad. Melody ? Variation ? Good taste ? NEVER HEARD OF IT, gentlemen! And this at 110 upto 120 beats per minute (BPM - yes, I know all about it - Spruyt Jozef wasn't born yesterday!)

And I can tell those brats that read your rag even more, gentlemen. Néw Beat ? "NEW" Beat ?? Don't make me LAUGH : we already had that in 1943, gentlemen! Me personally together with my brother Spruyt Ferdinand ("Fredje" to his friends. For you : MISTER Spruyt, F. "Fredje" is 52, richer than I am but also less intelligent). But my brother and I never went along for flag waving (although that was and still is a much better way to spend one's time than all that dancing and reading magazines (my sister-in-law (48 and much better preserved than her sister, my wife Spruyt Rita, it should happen to me!) is educator and the kids are reading your magazine during lessons, gentlemen. Indeed, DURING THE LESSONS!) and going out ("going out is sleeping around", my late mother always said and she was right, except for the time I was with my neighbour's wife because I had to be there, but I'm digressing again). Anyway : when back in '43 the beets had to be harvested, my brother and I had the same rhythm - 110 "swings" per minute while the "official" was 120. Those 110 New Beet rhythms was our own little anarchy against our country's occupier and, there's no doubt about it, they drastically helped to end the war a lot quicker!! Hence Spruyt Jozef really was PART OF THE RESISTANCE but never saw a medal for it. Why doesn't Maurice De Wilde <a reporter, who was specialised in World War II> make something about that in 200 episodes!! (Contact : Spruyt Jozef, (081) xx.xx.xx <number left out> - when my wife isn't home, else the line will be busy because I told her numerous times : "stop that chatter on the phone, Ritteke", 'cause that's what I call my wife but that's none of your business and anyway I'm digressing).

THERE'S STILL MORE I CAN TELL YOU! Those youngsters think they're oh so clever just because they play those New Beat records on 33 rpm instead of 45 and in recording studios they even artificially slow down 33 rpm records to 16 rpm. My son Jacob scornfully says he was already playing records by the B-52's on 33 rpm in youth pub "De Kloefkapper" (Youth pub ? Brothel more likely, but that aside). "And It's too hot by Chayell has always been played on 33 rpm by me", he says. Those are the only things that come out of a boy like him, gentlemen, because NOT A SINGLE WORD is spoken about his missing sister. "She'll turn up eventually", he says. HIS OWN SISTER, gentlemen, OUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD!

But what I was about to say : already in 1953 yours truly played the 78 rpm record "Songs for Distingué Lovers" by Sinatra Frank - Ol' Bleu Ice for his friends - on 33 rpm. By mistake, admittedly, also towards Mr. Sinatra in a letter dated 8/6/53, to which Mr. Sinatra NEVER gave me a reply, so that about the mob will probably be true, but Spruyt Jozef really did it BACK THEN, so it would be much better those snotty New Beat people got of their high horses.

I also called those lads at "Liaisons Dangereuses" in Antwerp, because our Mieke used to listen to that radioshow, but they didn't know anything either but that doesn't surprise me at all because what they are upto isn't much to look at as well. "Liaisons Dangereuses : pour des gens super cools" and more of that in French and English. So what about our Own Flemish Heart, gentlemen ?? They also have the so called "Decadent Three" compiled by the listeners. DECADENT THREE, now what kind of name is that ? Really instigating! You can be proud of yourselves, gentlemen of SiS! <the name of the radio-station> "Have safe sex" is what the decadent two Ward & Van Hees use to close their mentally diseased show. What's wrong with the much better "Wait until the wedding night to have sex" ? No no, then I much more prefer Studio Brussel <national radio-station, specialising in alternative music>, where Mr. Hautekiet plays New Beat records he created himself using samples of the sound of a New Beat record being broken in two, a symbolic gesture that yours truly, Spruyt Jozef, totally agrees with.

But to the point! All responsible parents need to make sure where their son/daughter is located and if that place is any good. Because, when it comes to our Mieke the strong arm of the law, meaning the police, IS DOING NOTHING, the father himself started an investigation and by doing so WENT DOWN INTO THE PITS OF HELL I might say. Spruyt Jozef (and wife) haven't been tricked this badly since that night in X <name of the place left out> when that shady tour operator subjected us unwillingly to belly dancers, who thought their belly was situated UNDERNEATH their belly, if you know what I mean, which probably isn't the case and that's even better : the facts of life will reveal themselves to your readers IN DUE TIME (actually, after the celebration of marriage).

So firstly we went to the establishment "Boccaccio" in Destelbergen, a so called "club", about which numerous rumours concerning murders and theft and closure had even reached our hometown. The friendly owner (IN A SUIT! An example for your readers I might say) assured me those rumours had no foundation whatsoever and where nothing but "malicious gossip spread around by jealous competitors". Cars were parked upto a distance of one kilometer away from the place, some of them even having French and Dutch license plates. The manager had no knowledge about Mieke, but I was allowed to look around freely. The kids that pushed us against the glass doors were less friendly however. Totally no respect for their superiors, gentlemen, an attitude, which Humoradio encouraged in the past all too much! It's undeniably true that Humoradio has neglected a serious educational task in this matter. For this, you will have to answer to the Most Supreme Judge, gentlemen. But back to Boccaccio. I heard some boy yell : "I've got AIDS!". An out of place joke, which didn't even help as the pushing and shoving continued. Once inside, having passed four bouncers (also in a suit! Well done Boccaccio!) Ritteke and I couldn't believe our eyes : funny dressed youngsters on big stairs, crammed corridors, and dancing kids everywhere! It looked more like hardcore soccer fans than a dancefloor. While we were moving through the crowd there suddenly was smoke and flashes of light, and what do you think happens when a normal human being wants to do good and yells "FIRE!" ? He gets laughed at, gentlemen! LAUGHED AT! Laughed at by brats who hadn't even been in the World War, while they are now paying to experience a smaller version of it in clubs! Laughed at while being 54 years of age (although I look a lot younger).

Also present was our Jacob who let me know what "music" we were listening to : Stetsasonic (I heard : bombedombedombedom...), Brendan Cook (BOMbomBOMbomBOMbom), In-D (DOMBEDOMDOM), A Split Second (BOOOMBOOMBOM), Medium Medium (BO-BO-BO-BO), Executive Slacks (bObObObObOMMM), Flesh & Fell, Attrition, Jade 4 U, Nucleus and Inner City (all five of them : BOOOMBOBOBOOOM). Furthermore a lot of "Old New Beat" also referred to as "old junk" according to Jacob. (The whole time unpleasant looking individuals were yelling "Yo, Jakke!" towards him. He denies he ever set foot in this place.) They didn't know a thing about Mieke. "There are thousands of Miekes", said a buffoon in a pair of bermuda shorts, "Is she any good in bed ?" I am not exagerating : "IS SHE ANY GOOD IN BED ?" Damned! (sorry). It's a good thing Spruyt Jozef is known for having a very good self-control, otherwise...

But in that so called "Old New Beat" there was Human League : "Being Boiled" from 1979!! (the exclamation marks had to be put there by Jacob). "I wanna be your dog" by a certain Iggy Pop from even longer ago, "Shave It" and "Coitus Interruptus" and "State of the nation" by Fad Gadget (1979 - 1981), and even Frankie Goes To Hollywood, which I also know because our neece Piscijns Sophie (now 17, back then 14 years of age and spoilt rotten, back then and now as well) was crazy about them, of those wrong guys from Frankie I mean. Also : Telex, a Belgian discoband of the good old days, which is babbling something about a "temporary chicken" or something. And suddenly I'm hearing Peter Sellers, who has been dead a long time but is yelling "This iz inspector Clouseu speaking on ze pheune" to a wild rhythm (BOBOBOBODOMDOMDOM). To conclude : The Confetti's, PIL, Amnesia and even Kraftwerk. In short : everything that has a pounding beat has joined the ranks of New Beat nowadays. It's about time the government does something about it (and if not, we parents should : I'm inviting you for the NO BEAT-march in Bachte-Maria-Leerne on Novermber 12. Departing at the town's church around 2 P.M. Bring banners : WHERE IS MIEKE ?).

They're even dancing at the bars of the Boccaccio, although it's a kind of mime that doesn't do much honour to Marcel Marceau (a REAL ARTIST, and in the business for over 50 years!). There's not much room for the rocking and waving New Beat gestures anyway. I admit, gentlemen, that the majority of the people there was dressed pretty normal : hardly any cycling pants nor VW-signs, but a bunch of funny hairstyles in numerous shapes, but hey, Spruyt Jozef can take a hit, and they're still young, aren't they ? I did notice a bunch of imbeciles with STRAWS IN THEIR MOUTH OR NOSE (instead of their glass). And a whole lot of voyeurs a.k.a. lurkers, who just stand there gaping. "Take a look at yourself", I hear you say. Well, Spruyt Jozef didn't get stuck in the past and dances to the New Beat as no other (with Latin influences due to the in 1962 won championship at School Of Dance Voets), and with general support of the youthful crowd. The careful reader/viewer can see MORE THAN ONE young female pair of eyes glancing into my direction! That's why it's even more regretable these young ladies are dancing to music that has completely irresponsible, rude passages like "move your ass and fuck the beat" and "do you want to suck my...?" en and also "this song has no explicit lyrics, but the thought is erotic". This DISGUSTING TALK is being spread through the speakers of clubs all over the country, where they have vending machines in the toilets containing RUBBER PROPHYLACTICS JUST FOR GRABS, no doubt about it!! Oh come on! It's nothing but appropriate to send out a WORD OF WARNING to these young and naive girls : girls, don't get caught by those boys in clubs making you nice promises about expensive cars and presents and wild nights! THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING, girls, and once they've gotten it they show their true nature, and it's a bad one, girls. This tells you your Spruyt Jozef, who's a bit wiser than those brats and what's more, he ALWAYS HONOURS his promises (contact (081) xx.xx.xx <number left out> - when my wife isn't home, etc.)

Still no trace of our Mieke! Maybe in Antwerp, because we were on the wrong track : we had to go to Boccaccio, because that's where it's all happening. Once we get there everything appears to be Nougabeat <is sugar-coated, meaningless things>, and we are being referred to other locations, "where the true clubbers hang out". We headed towards Raffles first, then to Confetti's, Prestige and La Rocca in Antwerp and Lier. Without Jacob this time : he just goes and tells everything to Ritteke! But that's none of your business.

In every trend you've got people who really try, try their best, try hard and even try too hard. In Antwerp they're trying their best very hard. I notice : lady's suits like the ones from Gaultier and the Antwerp Six, knee breeches (with or without tights), "snowwashed" jeans and shorts (in my time "snowwashed" was called "worn to a thread"), colourful hats (long peak optional), badges (even stitched on), Tin Tin hairstyles, Doctor Martin's Boots and the bat-silhouette of the Batman-show aired during my youth, more than 30 years ago !! The bright yellow Smile-discs from the seventies are also back en vogue, just like the pernicious unisex-fashion from that era. For a while I even thought seeing a glimpse of our Mieke, but it appeared to be a guy in a skirt! A GUY IN A SKIRT! I ask you ?!! And the biggest madness was still to come : unaware of what to expect I made my way to the balcony, and what do I see overthere, in the dark ? Youngsters wearing SUNGLASSES, gentlemen : a pair of shades in a dark club, can one be more sillier ? And with it those idiotic dance movements. I'm curious to see the first school of dance that earns a single Belgian franc teaching them! Another guy was standing there just sucking his thumb! Craaazzzy! Same thing could be said about the club owners, among which, Mr. Verlinden of the decent establishment Berchem Palace (who didn't only distinguish himself of the arrogant youngsters because of his nice manners, but also due to the fact he had TAKEN A BATH, something I can't say about a lot of kids, gentlemen, but I'm digressing). Yours truly went to Berchem Palace on two consecutive Tuesdays, hoping to find New Beat overthere, along with our Mieke, but to no avail because what was the case ? That the naive Mr. Verlinden had been fooled by ORDINAIRY TRICKSTERS, gentlemen. The first night - a Monday, I now remember - a "New Beat Party" would be held but IT WAS NOTHING LIKE IT!! It was just an ordinary, everyday party of the gentleman called S. de V., who opportunistically had put the label "New Beat" on his boring party, hoping TO GET SOME EASY MONEY IN A CUNNING WAY and by doing so didn't only fool the unsuspecting club owner but also the totally unaware audience, because young people enjoy being tricked, gentlemen, just look at all the lies in advertising and they SWALLOW IT THE WHOLE.!! A week later more of the same thing but EVEN WORSE! We were about to see performances from real Belgian New Beat bands, coming straight from the source and "Whoever sits near the source can take a drink", my late mother always said so I thought these people would know where our Mieke is situated, but what did I see ? THAT PLAYBACK PERFORMANCES ARE BACK IN TOWN, gentlemen! It's being accepted again that talentless moneygrabbers come waste OUR PRECIOUS TIME (my precious time anyway, as the time of lazy, youthful scum is worth less than nothing) and JUST LIP-SYNC A BIT AND ACT SILLY WHILE ALL THE AUDIO IS ON TAPE!!! Mr. Massis John <Belgian muscle-guy, famous for pulling along trucks and the likes by his teeth> turns around in his grave if he hears about it!

First we were taken for a ride by Jade 4 U, a silly but sweet little girl that couldn't sing but of which I don't want to say another word except that I was standing so close up front completely by ACCIDENT and because of it could UNWILLINGLY look into her bosom, and that kiss she gave (something she admittedly could do quite well) was something Spruyt Jozef HADN'T ASKED FOR but, you know, these things happen, don't they ? But then, gentlemen, afterwards!!!

Afterwards we would get distracted by Dirty Harry, a youngster, who's asking to be thrown in jail with a name like that, I thought, however it didn't turn out to be a youngster but A DIRTY BUT ESPECIALLY OLD AND SAD MAN, what am I saying ? : A MONKEY WITH A BEARD AND A BIG PROBLEM BETWEEN HIS LEGS!!! A cat in a bag, this Dirty Harry, who even used a certain language containing words like (very young readers should close their eyes from this point on) extasy, blowjob and fucking (I looked up these words and with blushing cheeks suggest you don't do the same, gentlemen, and thank you, the very young readers can open their eyes again). Mr. Harry - although it wasn't a gentleman, but I'm staying polite here because a Spruyt will never lower himself to that level - also grabbed HIS CROTCH numerously and called himself "the curtain killer" or something but it was more like "the big bore", gentlemen, especially when he returned on stage with Nikki Trax but her tape didn't start and Dirty Harry in a most silly way concluded "Nikki, your tape isn't ready yet" causing both of them to stand there with THEIR TROUSERS DOWN, pardon the saying, but that was what happened. Nikki Trax had the same capabilities as Mr. Harry, more specifically ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, but at least she looked better (although I shouldn't tell you where I've seen her before).

And it got even worse, gentlemen! Namely, the "top act" were the Erotic Dissidents, more likely the Vulgaric Dissidents in my opinion: three BLOKES WEARING GARTER BELTS (an erotic attribute my Ritteke has refused to wear for over 30 years because for her it's over the top but these are actually wearing it, gentlemen, and ON STAGE IN FRONT OF INNOCENT YOUNGSTERS, THE WORLD HAS GONE COMPLETELY MAD!!) They also had a blond vamp, a "female singer" would be too much honour for the thing she did and besides she was one of the kind of which people in my days (she looked like she was from my days anyway) would say "Goodlooking from afar but far from goodlooking". No, then I'd rather have The Confetti's, which featured a gentleman in uniform with gold laces, eventhough he appeared to be one of the wrong kind but four young and fresh little flowers were there as well, BUT LIP-SYNC WAS WHAT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM DID!!!

Judging by the painful silences after every "song" Spruyt Jozef wasn't, thank God, the only one who took offence at these very low-to-the-ground "spectacles". There was no talk of any applause, so I can only conclude that young people still have some form of good taste left. HEARING the New Beat "artists" is already bad, but SEEING them is completely tainting. SWINDLERS is what they are and take the money and run their slogan! This is NOUGA BEAT WITH THE "N" FOR "NEP" <which means FAKE, but in English the word doesn't start with the same letter>, gentlemen!

And now we come to the climax, so careful : while searching for Mieke I got "backstage" (like we call it, and I really did go there, because a Spruyt always makes the best of his influences and it's only natural I mentioned being a reporter "from Humoradio", as this letter is appearing in your well-known little rag anyway) and what did I see "backstage" (where I also bumped into Miss Jade 4 U or better yet she bumped into me, after which I gave her back the kiss she had given me, haha, but I'm digressing), because what did I see in the dressing rooms ??? The famous New Beat producers Morton, Sherman & Bellucci, those guys with an attitude, wearing sunglasses and appeared to be quite arrogant while talking in English but that was NOTHING BUT A POSE, because when I was behind the door and they thought they were alone, unsuspectingly switched back to Limburgs <a Flemish dialect from the North-Eastern part of Flanders> (their "singing" dialect sounded better than the one on stage actually but this aside), so they appeared to be nothing but ORDINAIRY PEOPLE FROM LIMBURG WHO SPOKE IN ENGLISH TO IMPRESS LITTLE GIRLS, but don't be fooled because Spruyt Jozef has found out those people are actually Jo Casters and Roland Beelen from the small record company Antler!!! And Antler has a subsection called "Subway Records", which releases all those New Beat records that have sold more than 10,000 copies (which is more than those by Mr. Tura Will <a succesful Flemish singer> but only because Mr. Tura Will would rather drop dead than be associated with this little mess) but what I was trying to say : the Limburger people from Antler are a "V.Z.W." <is the Flemish abbreviation for a corporate format, specifically an association without any form of profit - don't know if it exists outside of Belgium>, gentlemen! Guys making that kind of money an Association Without Profit! The hypocrites! And what does the government do about it ?

No, it's not necessary for me, this New Beat. I'd rather have that certain Bruce Springsteen and Madonna (our Jacob calls them "Johnnie & Marina"). The New Beat will blow over, just like the new jazzyness and the "Neue Deutsche Welle" <is German New Wave> and the punk and the disco. What concerns worried parents like me more, gentlemen, is what is happening to our young people. Where has the time gone when they were still gathered around Mr. Davidse Bob <a well-known TV-presenter who had a children's show on national Belgian TV>, who let himself be addressed lovingly as "Uncle", THAT'S HOW CLOSE MR. BOB WAS TO OUR YOUNG PEOPLE!! They danced on his show as well, but under supervision, and on decent tunes (who doesn't recall a song like "Hop gij olijk Marieke"? <an old Flemish children's tune>).

That reminds me of our Mieke. That's why I'm placing a call in this magazine, due to the lack of anything better : WHO HAS SEEN MIEKE SPRUYT ? (description : 1.73 meter in height, blue eyes, blond hair, cycling pants (or maybe something else by now : they also change their hair colour faster than a pair of shorts nowadays). With this little plea, I salute you, young friends, hoping Santa Claus will bring you some common sense very soon.

Best wishes from your

"Uncle" Spruyt Jozef